I can’t sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well for months. I try to go to bed, but my mind has a thought that I have to act on right now, even if all it is is typing myself a note for the morning.
Those notes have been getting longer and longer every night.
I try laying down, but my mind screams at me to get up and do something… to be constructive, to be useful; my bed is empty, there’s no one to wrap my arms around and keep warm or protect, so I’m not being useful. I try wrapping my arms around the long body-pillow I have… and my mind screams at me more, saying “THIS ISN’T A REAL WOMAN! YOU AREN’T HOLDING SOMETHING REAL! THIS ISN’T REAL! GET UP! GET UP AND DO SOMETHING REAL!” So I spend hours fighting with my mind, forcing it to quiet down enough that I can sleep… and I wake up the next AFTERNOON; exhausted, grumpy, stiff, sore, head-achy, frustrated emotionally and physically… Then repeat the whole thing the next night. On top of the malnutrition from trying to make what little food is in the house last, I’m doing absolutely shitty.
Why do I hate being alone? I don’t mean alone in a room; I mean single; not in a romantic relationship with a woman. Why do I keep jumping into relationships, both online and off, that are on weak foundations and either with women who are controlling and/or abusive, or are doomed to fail because of combined distance and financial issues? Why do I hate being single as much as I do? Some friends have said it’s because I’m thinking with the wrong head, but as much as that’s a small part of it, I believe it’s far from the main reason.
Ever since I was little, I’ve been exposed to “happy” families; husband, wife, kids, house, car, career, marriage… I saw those all around me with all these things seem so happy most of the time, but we never had it. I saw how successful a husband & wife team could be when they worked together and loved each other. I’ve often seen it, over and over and over… and never had it.
Growing up was tough. My mom suffered from hoarding; nowhere near bad enough to wind up on TV shows, and I have theories on what influenced it. But we often had so much stuff that it was hard for us to keep it all organized; add onto that my moms 2 Aspergers twins (myself and my brother) that were often warring with each other to assert our individualities and constantly both not wanting to help because the task was incredibly dauntless and had to be done over and over each time we moved, and that’s a recipe for stress, frustration and fights. My brother was constantly at war with me because I’d do my chores and get the play time or rewards which he’d then bitch he wasn’t getting even though he’d done nothing to earn it, then mom would end up relenting because he was growing bigger and stronger and getting harder to keep in check… so because he got the play time or rewards for free, I’d wanna skip out too. On top of THAT my mom had welfare, family services, the schools and the church all breathing down her neck needlessly, and no husband to help when she desperately needed it. It was hell to all of us. Seeing the others from church with their big rich houses and happy families, I wanted that. I wanted that kind of life, that kind of household, that kind of loving family.
So of course I would also end up learning that being single (like my mom) was full of pain and stress, but being married (like the people from church) brought happiness, acceptance, organization, cleanliness and love. I learned love without effort or commitment is fleeting when Trevor first became engaged to my mom, then ditched her without notice or much explanation a couple months before the wedding, because his bar buddies talked him into taking the easy way out rather than becoming a stable and honorable man.
When I was about 14 I was told by (if my memory serves me correctly) a neuropsychiatrist that I had a phobia of sex and physical intimacy that could prevent me from having a meaningful romantic relationship with a woman. I was worried for a long time that they might be right. Between that & the church preaching about how a man needs a wife to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, having that phobia helped determine my motivation to fight for becoming better, becoming a husband and a father; it became my desire above all others.
But you know something else I hate? It’s not knowing where I’m going or what my destination is. Being single, I have to wonder if I’m ever gonna meet the one woman that matches me well enough for us to be happy the rest of our lives. Plus my constant questioning of whether I mean anything or am just another faceless welfare bum is not helping. I’ve been able to put up with a LOOOOOOT of shit from women I’ve been with, and I admit I’ve been so concerned with pleasing them that I’d forgotten to learn what I needed and how I needed to be pleased. I’ve since learned, through being treated like shit or like a manservant, that I have needs and desires and cravings…and that I’m supposed to have these things.
It doesn’t help that I’m now 20 going on 21 years older than my father was when I was born. I’m just figuring out this year what it seems most people figure out when they’re 10 years younger than I am now. Most people retire when they’re only twice my current age. I plan to live to 12o, but if I end up working for someone else, I don’t want to be having kids at an age where I’m retiring before they even graduate from high school. I want to have enough saved that I can help THEM pay for their University courses and/or living expenses through University. I have a very long way to go before I’ll have that kind of money… and I’m only in first-year Undergraduate studies right now, barely making ends meet month to month.
I’ve been finding that, in reality, I really do need help on a day-to-day basis around the house, with things like chores or reminders for little tings. I need a partner who can help me in a live-in, day-to-day basis. My productivity would quadrupole with that kind of help… but how can I ask someone to do that for me? I’m able to help someone else in that way, too… but why is it so hard for me to take care of my own?
Then there’s the sex issues. As in I need it. Lots of it. Honestly, once every day to 3 days at least would be the average I’d want, with the occasional day of exploring each other’s kinks and fantasies once or twice a month or so. I’ve even got a profile on FetLife, where I’ve compiled a list of fetish interests. Yes, I’m listing them here; deal with it:
Into: “cum for me, princess” (giving), “skirts with no panties” (watching others wear), “the look” that tells you in no uncertain terms that you have crossed the line and earned a spanking (giving), -littlegirl- (everything to do with it), a hand on her throat (giving), accents, art erotica, begging (receiving), being more complex than an anonymous list of fetishes could show, causing people to have to actually converse with me, finding out if they like *me* and not just what gets me off., being treated like a beautiful princess but fucked like a dirty little whore (giving), being whispered to during rough sex (giving), bellydancing, belt spanking (giving), biting the sweet spot where the neck connects to the shoulder (giving), blindfolds, body paint, breasts,business suits (wearing), caressing, cuddles, cunnilingus (giving),cunnilingus, the only acceptable method of speaking in tongues, cutting clothing off with knives and razors (giving), cyber sex, damsels in distress,erotic literature, flashing (receiving), flirting, geeks, gold pressed latinum,handcuffs, his deep voice growling sexily into my ear (giving), humor,intelligence, kissing, lingerie (watching others wear), massages (giving),masturbation, monogamy, multiple orgasms (giving), music, mutual masturbation, nipples, oral sex (giving), pantyhose/stockings (watching others wear), phone sex, pin-ups, pirates, receiving copious amounts of orgasms, dealt out by an intensely skilled lover (giving), red heads, remote-control devices, seduction, sex, sex online, simultaneous orgasm, snuggling,sounds, spanking people with logic (giving), speech restriction (giving),superheroes, swords, the intense gaze of the one i adore…, touching(everything to do with it), uniforms (wearing), whispering softly in a low, menacing voice this close to your ear and making you so hot you can’t stand it any longer (giving), writhing in his arms and struggling as he whispers everything he’s going to do in my ear (giving), writing erotica.
Curious about: “enough. now come here..”, acousticophilia, behavior modification, being fucked with a hand on my throat and threats being whispered into my ear (giving), biting, bondage, burlesque (watching),caging/confinement, candle wax, chains (watching others wear), chakra energy play, clit spanking (giving), collar and lead/leash (everything to do with it), consensual nonconsent, control, cosplay, costumes/dressing-up,covert bondage (watching others wear), d/s, daddy/girl, deep clit sucking,dildos (giving), discipline (giving), domination (giving), duct tape, emotional penetration, emotional release through sex, emotionally intense and cathartic orgasms (giving), erotic interrogation (giving), erotic photography,exhibitionism, fear (giving), fingering, group sex, hair pulling, hentai, high protocol, humiliation (giving), kitten petplay, knife play, latex, leather, light bondage, making home movies (everything to do with it), male authority,masks, master/slave, mental and emotional submission (receiving), mental bondage, objectification, orgy, outdoor sex, ownership, photography,pinching (giving), play punishment, polyamory, power exchange, public play, role play, rubber, scarf bondage, sensual domination, sensual play,sensual/slave dances (receiving), sensualism, sex in public, sex with strangers, spanking (giving), subspace, talking dirty, tantra, threesomes,tongue sucking, vibrators (giving), victorian lifestyles, violent sex..because i will fucking own you, voyeurism.
Do I need to have ALL my fetishes met or explored? No. I’ll live without ever having to explore everything. I still want someone who’s willing to explore most of these with me at one time or another. One thing I do want and need to explore is my Dominant side. I want to feel like I’m the one in charge, like it’s my turn to be submitted to rather than forced or guilt-tripped to submit. To get what I want once in a while, without having to worry about what they want. To be obeyed, not commanded. To be trusted enough that their pleasure is simply in letting me have mine and doing as I say. I want her to want me, crave me, need me… I want her begging me to let her cum after being teased for nearly too long, to beg for me to thrust myself deep inside her… And I want this on a regular basis. Not all the time, of course… well, ok, her wanting and craving me all the time I do want; every woman I’ve been with, before things went to shit, I wanted them all the damn time. I want a woman who wants me as often as I want her, even if we aren’t acting on it all day every day.
Now it seems my mind equates being in a BF/GF or husband/wife relationship as “real happiness”‘ to some extent, and with just succeeding in life in little ways. Frankly, with what I envision, for me, it really is… Having two people sharing a place & expenses and working together to organize & maintain a day-to-day life, allowing both to succeed and cutting the “maintenance” of life down by half for them both, really does sound like heaven to me.
Having a woman who enjoys the things I enjoy, who has her own interests that I can encourage and praise her for when she excels, who appreciates the activities I enjoy & want to excel at myself and encourages me honestly, who loves all the things I have to give and want to give, and gives gladly in kind… Who I can confide my darkest thoughts and fears to, who can keep up with me intellectually and physically, who has a similar outlook on life & the universe… Who finds me as desirable as I find her, who makes me feel sexy, desired, craved, wanted… Who loves to cuddle as much as I do, who is as kinky as I am, who’ll not only let me sing to her but encourages it just enough, who’ll be just as happy snuggled up to me on a couch watching a movie as she is snuggled up to me on the couch either watching me play video games or reading a book while I play video games… Who’ll spontaneously and randomly surprise me with wanting sex, who’ll be just as happy with fast, rough, animalistic, kinky sex as she is with good, old-fashioned, romantic making love… Who won’t blame me for or burden me with all the financial woes when we have them or make me feel like I’m a failure when times are tough,who’ll uplift me and let me uplift them when wither of us has moments where we feel depressed… who works things out with me the way I feel works best for everyone (focusing more on the solution rather than dwelling on the problem and who’s to blame), who sees our love not as a power struggle between two people but as two people making their way in the world side by side…
Ya, I gotta admit, that really is heaven to me. At this rate, it’ll take that long for me to find someone who fits what I want; women are more often than not un-trusting of single guys and more often than not looking for a short-term infatuation, not a healthy relationship. It doesn’t help that I fall for women fairly quickly on an emotional level, and can tell fairly easily if we’d be able to work together at a relationship. The problem is that, though most of them can, they don’t. They end up being greedy, controlling, manipulative, constantly playing head-games and guilt-trips, being emotionally and even physically abusive…
So now I’m back at square 1, only now I’ve got emotional damage and baggage from 4 relationships that ended up as shit. I don’t trust that any woman who says I’m attractive to be telling the truth at all. I don’t trust them to not shut down emotionally after the first couple months and leave me to do all the chores & bill-paying while they do jack shit. I don’t trust them to talk with me. I don’t trust them to be willing or able to accept parts of me I don’t show to most people. I don’t trust that they truly enjoy the same hobbies I do instead of just claiming they do to get me to spend time with them and/or later flaunt that they tried to share in my hobbies to guilt trip me into feeling like I’ve neglected them when I was just too stressed out to think at all…
Is there anyone out there at all that can prove my fears are all wrong and my hopes really can come true?
Right now, I highly doubt it.