Sex, flirting, and being single

I’m getting sick & tired of flirting. To be more specific, I’m getting sick & tired of being single & getting flack that all starts from flirting.  Casual flirting bugs me now. I dunno when it changed for me, but I’m tired of the tease. As far as I’m concerned, if you have no interest whatsoever in sex or a relationship, then don’t flirt with me. This means I’m just not gonna be nearly as flirtatious as I used to be; there’s a lot of women I used to flirt with, even up until recently, that I either know I won’t be in a relationship with or have no desire to pursue a relationship with. I’m not just talking about verbal flirting, either. A few of my University friends recently had an “Anything But Clothes” party, and a couple weeks before, others had a “pants-less” party. I skipped both, even though I Continue reading


Love is simple. Relationships take effort.

Too many start this way but never bother "finishing"

I was reading a fascinating article about how Love is not a given, and felt an urge to add my 2 cents on the same line of thought. Yes, I’m going to sound a bit angry & frustrated; that’s because I AM!

Too many people today, both men and women, think that when they are in a relationship or a marriage, that it means they can “relax” and not work so hard to keep the relationship & their spouses affections going. NEWS FLASH! They can leave your sorry ass at any time. Loving someone isn’t like winning a prize that you can display on your shelf; it’s like a small campfire that is just difficult enough to tend that it takes 2 people working at it in just the right amounts in order to keep burning strong. I can’t tell you how many people I know who are either breaking up, broken up, considering divorce, or gotten divorced, all because their spouse has either given up & stopped caring about continuing to deserve their love & affection, or never really bothered in the first place. I’ve even had long-term relationships where the woman I was with was assuming she was meeting my needs (never checked, just assumed), and felt I wasn’t doing enough to meet their needs. And needs can be anything from 1 or 2 big things to several small things; they’re still needs, no matter the “size”, and no less important. Continue reading

Easter – Jesus is coming… Quick, look busy!

It’s Easter Sunday today. I don’t typically celebrate Easter with the rest of the world, though I like taking advantage of the post-holiday chocolate/candy sales. Is this because I don’t believe in God or Jesus? Far from it; I was raised a Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints or LDS) and though I don’t go to that church, I still believe in a lot of the teachings, and still consider myself a Christian of sorts. I don’t celebrate it with the rest of the world, because I celebrate it a little on April 6th every year, and every day in my heart in my own ways.

In honor of the public holiday, however, what I want to vent about today is a few things about how Christianity celebrates Easter & Christ. Continue reading

It’s the little things…

You ever find yourself chatting with someone, either on the phone or online, and they have to go, so they say goodbye, then you say goodbye to be polite, but then they say goodbye again, so you say goodby again, then the say goodbye again… and it goes on for a couple more because you’re not sure whether to be the last one to say goodbye or if they should, but you don’t think you should let them get the last word because, well, why should you?

Yeah, I ponder the stupidest little things, I know 😛

As far as I understand, the person who’s leaving says goodbye first, the other says goodbye second, and that’s the “good manners” end of it. So why don’t people do that? Is it a small, subconscious or nonconscious power struggle? Is it a game of, “last one to say goodbye & get the last word is the stronger-willed person”? Is it just carelessness & thoughtlessness that we assume we have to be the one to end a conversation? Is it narcissism in us, trying to “own” the conversation? Who knows. It’s a tiny little thing, really. But it’s not the only one I’ve seen. Every hour of every day, there’s little things we do that, when we look at it objectively, might be nothing on their own, but when piled all together, show patterns of rudeness & arrogance toward each other.

“It’s the little things,

that often mean,

the most day after day;

’cause little things,

can often show,

what words alone can’t say.”

What I can’t help wondering this afternoon is, what do the little things we say & do to people, no matter how small, really tell those people about ourselves & how we feel about them? For decades/centuries, those little things were an integral part of our society; little motions of politeness, like standing when someone enters a room & greeting them, making proper introductions of mutual friends/colleagues, etc. When/how did they go from being integral to ignored?

“It’s not who I am underneath, it’s what I do that designs me.” – Batman; Batman Begins

A lot of people tell me to not worry about it, that I’m over-thinking, to just enjoy living my life & not care how rude others are. I can’t do that, sorry. Maybe it’s the Autism in me, but I need the order & structure that a set of rules about proper manners gives me. People tend to forget, because I appear to be “normal”, that I struggle every day and with every social interaction. I’ve learned to hide it damn good. The fact is that yes, I ponder little things like this all the time, and am always second-guessing my words & actions around others, because I really don’t understand a lot of the little ways people interact, and am in all honestly just trying to fake that I’m “normal” (~shudder~ I hate that word…). I never want my “disabilities” to just be an excuse to get away with things; that does not change the fact that my brain is just plain wired differently, & interpersonal interactions are frikkin hard for me. I always feel as though the world is just a stage, and I’m the understudy who’s forgotten my lines & trying to wing it. I see people interact with each other around me every day. I see the little petty squabbles & disagreements they get into with each other, and more often than not it’s just due to miscommunications & people selfishly being subtly rude to one another without caring or noticing.

Does it really matter that this bugs me? Nope. Not one bit. Not a single other person I know (excluding my mom :P) gives a flying fuck about this stuff, really. It’s a mild annoyance for now, if only because it’s confusing the hell out of me constantly and no one bothers to stop wasting time and ask the question, “who’s actually supposed to be the one to say goodbye last?” so we all can finally know & can stop spending those few minutes with every conversation saying goodbye over & over because both people wanna have the last word. It’s not THAT it happens; it’s that it KEEPS happening , people get annoyed with each other, everyone just does it & no one cares that maybe there’s a better or more efficient way of doing things. It irritates me, which is why I’m venting here, but really, what else am I gonna do?

Why “loneliness” might be a bit more of an expensive disease to cure after all

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, sitting here in my room over the last week while barely able to move from the virtigo from the T3s. Feeling pretty damn lonely & wishing someone would come visit me, to be honest. I spent a lot of time playing video games, as simple text chatting just made me feel lonlier; it all too often feels sterile, artificial and fake. I crave real people, real interpersonal interactions. There’s only so much comfort one can get from typing “/hug”; it’s nowhere near as comforting as a real hug.

I was reminicing of times when I was younger; when I was in elementary school, people would come visit my mom for an hour or two here & there, and especially durring the summer my mom would have visitors almost every day, or we’d drive over to visit someone else for an hour or so. Short little jaunts, but they were fairly regular & much more often than I experience with people these days. Most of the times these visits were after school or on weekends, of course, but I remember them fondly and wonder why, since I’ve moved out on my own, I haven’t had that same sense of slcialization I had looked forward to when I was a kid.

Then it hit me; often these visits happened when we drove over to see these people, or when they drove over to see us. I looked back in my memory and, from what I can remember, when we did have to travel by city transit, the visits were rarer and would be more like half-day trips.

Visiting someone these days seems to require a purpose – going for a few hours for video games or a LAN party, going to study for the next exam, going to discuss the kids’ extra curricular activities, so-and-so is having a party at her place so we’re gonna get wasted/high/pre-drink then go to the bar… etc. etc. Few to no people I know just go visit any more. Even when they go for coffee, more often than not it’s only for “a few minutes”.

With the frantic pace and seeming “high-cost-of-living to low-pay-cheque” ratio of todays lifestyle, is it really harder for people to have those casual social calls, especially without a vehicle of one’s own? Are we so busy trying to excel & surpass those around us that we’ve forgotten the importance of meeting for coffee as often as we used to? Has the rising cost of transportation made such socialization stupidly impractical any more? Sadly, I am beginning to think the answer to all these is “Yes”. People I know seem to socialize less often unless it’s for a large party, just going over for a casual visit to someone’s home happens less and less. And with so many people living on so many sides of town due to not enough income for gas or cars etc, and the city bus system here being in such a sad state, visiting a friend becomes a day trip rarely done because of so many other little obligations that taking an entire day off is hugely impractical. Often, visits are done if the people happen to be doing errands in the same part of town only.

So I’m sitting here, wondering what I can do about any of this. Maybe I should initiate more visits like this myself. Wait, that isn’t possible… I have no car, and my current income doesn’t support one, AND I suffer the same issues with the bus turning things into “day-trips”. Sadly, I suspect there’s nothing I CAN do until I AM able to improve my income and/or employment. So, for now, I sit here in my room, much of my life circling in a holding pattern.

But this won’t last forever. ^_^