I am not good enough boyfriend material

I am not good enough boyfriend material.

Not yet, at least. I’m working on it. I’m working on it very hard. I want to be good boyfriend material. In many ways, I’m way ahead of other guys; I’m not just saying that because I’m vain, but because I’ve had women in the past actually show me how good I am at a lot of things.

I listen. I ask questions. I try to understand. I cuddle & nuzzle, even when I really don’t want to, if she needs it. I compliment her looks honestly. I try to do nice little things and romantic things for her like leaving her a love note in her purse, drawing her a bath, making her a romantic dinner, or helping her put nailpolish on her toes when she’s stressed and feeling a need to be pampered. I try to take time to let her tell me about her likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, and fears. I try to be open and honest with her about my own, and I try to learn how to do that better than I do right now. I talk things out, and I’m willing to compromise, negotiate, or try something new to solve our problems. I’m comforting, encouraging and supportive. I’m not a bad cook. I’m a great baker. I’m not afraid to not only buy her tampons or pads, I’m willing to learn the specific brand & style she prefers. I’m well able to clean any of the house probably about as well as she can, for the most part. I’m intelligent. I can do a lot of small home repair. I’m playful. I have my own small stuffed animal collection. I can sew, I can stich, I can craft, I can paint. I am both skilled and creative in the bedroom. I have a bit of an understanding of color, fashion, and style. When I tell her that a dress looks good on her, I can tell her why, and when I say it doesn’t look as good on her, I can explain why honestly, clearly, and without being at all insulting. I’m kind of funny. I like to sing and I’m not too bad at it. I love to read to her and let her fall asleep against my chest while I read to her. I like various types of music and movies. I never drink alcohol, I don’t do recreational drugs at all, and I don’t smoke. I’m a lover that fights for what I love. In a lot of ways, I’m a Gentleman.

But as great as all that is, as important as all that can be, and even though there’ve been a few women to tell me I’m exactly what they want in a man, the truth is that I’m not half of what they want and/or what they need.

I have trouble dealing with some types of confrontation. It’s hard for me to talk about my own needs. It’s hard for me to set boundaries for myself when they might push her back a bit, even if only temporary. I have trouble dealing with certain kinds of stress. When I get very, very stressed out, I need to escape, usually into video games; I welcome her joining me in those games, but the more stressed I get, the more I need that escape. I need organization and I need help maintaining it. I’m an absent-minded professor. I have a terrible temper. I care too much. I have trouble dealing with debts and bills. And, possibly most important, I have trouble holding a job and maintaining an income. When I’m alone or very stressed out, I become lethargic, depressed, and can’t be bothered to clean my home or myself without being nudged and pestered.

What kind of boyfriend can I be if I can’t even take care of myself? Right now I don’t think I’d be a boyfriend, I’m more like a leech. A good boyfriend is strong enough to support himself financially and is capable of taking care of himself, whether he’s alone or living with his significant other. A good boyfriend is able to work and live with his girlfriend day to day as an equal, and is able to take care of her when she needs it. Right now, I’m broke, unemployed, job prospects are slim, getting into school will be complex and isn’t guaranteed, I’m stressed out, and a mess.

For all the good things I may offer, the few key things I can’t do even remotely well enough at the moment more than outweigh those positives.

Don’t they?


5 thoughts on “I am not good enough boyfriend material

  1. Sir Peter,
    I think you have a good sense of your boundaries, your strengths and weaknesses from what I read. Thats not a trait to take slightly. While the average relationship seems relative to “normal” dont hold yourself to those restraints. Each person and each relationship in this world is different. Some are 50/50 some are 30/40/30 you cant hold yourself to others expectations of what life “should” be.
    Video games are a good way to hibernate and de-stress but its not a good way to avoid problems. I have learned that in my life. Everyone needs time to accept, think about, identify with the problems, but dealing with them before they create more problems is the best way that I have found to manage relationships, but then again… maybe I am not the best to be commenting on relationships. We all have our flaws. Accepting other with their flaws is what a lot of people find hard to manage, because their flaws are not our flaws and its difficult to learn how others process life. The hardest part is learning how another person lives, feels and identifies with issues and stress. The things effect them possibly harder then ourselves or others and then also learning how to respect those boundaries and working together within them to grow together from them. In the end there will be two equals, but I dont think that means 50/50. Men are just better at some things and women are just better at some things, and together they make a team… sometimes its more lopsided and other times its opposite. but they compliment each other, yah? sounds like Im nagging… but its the truth. love is relative, being in love comes and goes, relationships get boring, things change… but never giving up is the key, fall in love with your life again because you cannot love anyone else as much as you want until you love yourself. Taking care of someone else emotionally, mentally and physically is very hard, try being a mother…

    the entire world is suffering from the economy and jobs are hard to find for anyone. School may be the best option if you can afford to live that way for a while and keep your sanity.
    Keep your head up cowboy. Life is hard. thats kinda the way its suppose to be. Your character during adversity defines who you are in this life. Character. head up, eyes focused…. keep going.

    • I greatly appreciate your comments; they mean a lot to me ^_^

      I did want to mention that I think you may have misunderstood one thing about this post, though, which I admit was probably not very clear at all – this wasn’t my telling people what my boundaries are, it was me explaining my understanding of things about me that women find more than a little unattractive; things that, when a woman would learn of them them, would turn her right off of any possibility of a relationship with me. This was me being up-front and admitting I’m suffering from those particular flaws, before anyone gets too attached and begins having expectations for a relationship that I am currently incapable of reciprocating, whether I want to or not. I don’t want a woman getting interested in me then getting hurt or angry at me when they find out I’ve got such issues with even something so basic and important as holding a job. yes, I feel most of these issues are just temporary, but they’re still issues I’m facing right now. Better I just admit it up front and save everyone some disappointment. This is my also expressing and admitting utter confusion as to why any woman would still be interested after learning I have these flaws. In my experience, especially the lack of employment prospects is something that would make any woman worth being involved with turn on her heel and walk quickly in the opposite direction.

      As for my using video games to cope with my problems, you’re very right; that’s why I don’t use them to avoid my problems, I use them as an escape when there’s nothing I can do about those problems and I need to release the emotional pressure in some way before I go mad. Or I use them to focus my emotional energy and calm down before I go and deal with the problems head on so I don’t deal with those problems by ripping the arms off of other people and beating said people with the bloody stumps. 😛 I use video games as only a part of my process to cope with my problems, not as a way to avoid or ignore those problems. And I encourage others to learn to use them in a similar fashion. Having Asperger’s, my emotions tend to often get a bit too much and difficult to cope with, and sometimes I need to take time and do something else with my mind; to remove myself from the immediate situation, to calm my nerves, and to work certain parts of my brain. Lind of like the way a boxer might go and shadowbox to de-stress and focus their mind and emotions in order to actually look at the problem more calmly and deal with it more rationally, or how some people might put on an MP3 player and go for a jog. Video games are that for me. I included this as a flaw because I’ve found that most women tend to insist that I talk with them about it immediately and not take the time I require to calm down or focus my thoughts & emotions more constructively, and I’m saying that I require that time sometimes, whether they like it or not. I’ve been told that the fact I require this time and that I use video games in particular as my coping tool is a flaw, regardless of whether it works for me and helps me deal with the problems more positively & constructively, so I put it there.

      • I think what matters most is what you believe is a flaw… if its a flaw to you, and you feel its a flaw then that means you feel its something that you dont like, and normally its something you wish to fix. If there is anything in yourself that you wish to fix and you sincerely want to fix it is it possible. I hate that I am a smoker, and many hate that I smoke too. I know its probably disgusting to most people. but I love smoking. and I am not quitting for anyone but myself. I am not ready to do that yet so I dont pretend that I am going to quit. when you find someone that is willing to accept you with your flaws try not to push them away with your insecurity either. your insecure about your ability to keep a job long term… this is common actually. I think I can relate. I like the idea of having a job long term but the reality is that I dont deal well with bullshit and I also do the right thing, that interferes with a lot of companies, because to them the right thing doesnt matter if its not profitable. Communication is really important, really, truly, and when that is gone there is just not a lot of hope of solutions. I think even as hard as it may be and as attached as you may be it is sometimes the better option to just let the relationship go. the way it happens is important as people often get emotional scars from these events and it causes problems with trust and relationships in the future. I have issues with abandonment, stemming from childhood but drastically from adult life. My ability to trust anyone now or depend on anyone is gone. It doesnt make for good relationships either, but its how I am coping with that trauma, people are different. I dont think your issues make you un-datable. I think you just need to find comfort and stability in yourself first. Its not you and it shouldnt be internalized. your going the right way, just keep working on yourself.

      • When it comes to flaws, I think that it depends on who is most affected by it and whether it interferes with the specific goal that it affects. If I have, say, a problem with wearing neon plaid shirts, whether that is a flaw or not depends on not simply myself, but those around me, and the circumstances. If, theoretically, it was universally accepted that plaid shirts were absolutely disgusting, then whether I’m the only one who likes it and doesn’t think it’s a flaw is completely moot – it’s a flaw if I am trying to attract others. If I’m trying to repel others, then my like of neon plaid shirts is not a flaw.

        From my understanding, based on my own experiences with women, it’s a universal opinion that a single guy on disability who can’t get or hold a job is undesirable as a mate for the quality of woman he would want to marry, regardless of the reasons he doesn’t have a job, plain and simple. As far as I understand, people think that a man like that is simply a bum or a leech and a drain on society with no real value to give. That’s not what I want to be at all and not how I want people to see me, but my intentions are meaningless without the commonly accepted follow-through, and attempts to get a job aren’t considered follow-through; having one and keeping it for more than a year is follow-through. Or is that a mistaken assumption? o.o That’s what I’m getting at; this is my current assumption about how people think and work, and I’m kind of looking for people to confirm this or refute it.

        Honestly, I know I can handle a full-time job; but it’s got to be a certain type of job. My best choices, according to vocational assessments, is management or self-employment. My problem is that the jobs I can get with my current lack of training, education, or experience are the type of limited, restrictive, menial jobs that stress me the hell out, working for companies who seem to assume that anyone stupid enough to do the same limited, restrictive job for crap pay for 5 years running must have the brains for management, despite it being clear these people couldn’t manage their way out of a cardboard box. These managers that the corporate big-wigs hire are easily manipulated idiots on a power trip, who can’t even be bothered to follow their own rules and prefer to do things in ways that are inefficient, wasteful, and essentially costly to the companies they work for because they can do whatever they want now that they’re managers. They’re enjoying their power trip. They’re lazy. They don’t feel they have to listen to their employees because they’re managers so they must be smarter than the peons under them, even if they were just promoted a week ago and have the intelligence & managerial skill of a grapefruit peel, simply because they’re “managers.” The stress I get from that kind of incompetent oaf telling me things like how my ideas to increase organization and efficiency of the whole team are “nice, but would take too much effort to implement” even though all the rest of the non-management staff endorses the ideas and are more than eager to implement even half of them, or telling me rules that nobody follows because the manager themselves ignore them blatantly, or giving me pathetic, half-assed training and then bitching at me when I don’t follow the procedures I was never informed about, is a level I just cannot cope with. I need clear organization, clear command structure, clear rules, and managers who not only know what they’re doing but actually give a crap about doing their whole job well, which includes both how they deal with customers and how they deal with the staff they manage, not simply kissing the asses of the higher ups then doing whatever the heck they want anyway while their bosses are off at other stores. I actually got put up on report once for being disruptive after I took initiative and put the Wii games in the department I was working at into alphabetical order, despite even upper management demanding that some kind of organizational system be put into place for them and my manager was flat-out refusing to. >_< Communication is key, but intelligence and skill from the managers is equally important. I can’t tell you how many people have heard me complain about what our managers were doing wrong and what they should be doing right, and told me that they wished they had a manager like me because, apparently, I know what the f*ck I’m doing.

        ~pant~pant~ Sorry, got off on a tangent there… >_>

  2. I wouldnt be caught dead in a neon plaid shirt, although I like my plaid shirts very much! Im starting to collect colors as I find the ones I like. However if you were sporting a neon plaid shirt I might have to step to the left a little… lol

    If you reverse the situation and the female didnt have a job and was on unemployment and couldnt keep the jobs she had for longer then a few months or more then a year, would you think less of her? if the situations were reversed would you _feel_ less for her? If her anxiety caused her to get panic attacks during social gatherings and in unfamiliar situations would you push her away or would you accommodate and be understanding of her ability to try and keep trying even if she failed?

    I run, to deal with things, to think (which I do too much) but it has become a healthy way to deal with things, until I am running instead of doing homework… ^.^ guilty. I havent had to experience what that would do to a relationship but I know if effects my friendships.

    I am also in agreement of Managers and ability. I think since I am a manager and its very difficult for me not to be… I respect my employees and I consider us a team and work to identify strengths and weakness and build my teams together with them. I cannot do my job efficiently if my team is not working with me and we do not function together. Communication is also important. I prefer to work in a mentoring company and grow with my teams and learn constantly.

    I hope I can find a job when I am out of school also. Goals are good.

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