I am not good enough boyfriend material.
Not yet, at least. I’m working on it. I’m working on it very hard. I want to be good boyfriend material. In many ways, I’m way ahead of other guys; I’m not just saying that because I’m vain, but because I’ve had women in the past actually show me how good I am at a lot of things.
I listen. I ask questions. I try to understand. I cuddle & nuzzle, even when I really don’t want to, if she needs it. I compliment her looks honestly. I try to do nice little things and romantic things for her like leaving her a love note in her purse, drawing her a bath, making her a romantic dinner, or helping her put nailpolish on her toes when she’s stressed and feeling a need to be pampered. I try to take time to let her tell me about her likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, and fears. I try to be open and honest with her about my own, and I try to learn how to do that better than I do right now. I talk things out, and I’m willing to compromise, negotiate, or try something new to solve our problems. I’m comforting, encouraging and supportive. I’m not a bad cook. I’m a great baker. I’m not afraid to not only buy her tampons or pads, I’m willing to learn the specific brand & style she prefers. I’m well able to clean any of the house probably about as well as she can, for the most part. I’m intelligent. I can do a lot of small home repair. I’m playful. I have my own small stuffed animal collection. I can sew, I can stich, I can craft, I can paint. I am both skilled and creative in the bedroom. I have a bit of an understanding of color, fashion, and style. When I tell her that a dress looks good on her, I can tell her why, and when I say it doesn’t look as good on her, I can explain why honestly, clearly, and without being at all insulting. I’m kind of funny. I like to sing and I’m not too bad at it. I love to read to her and let her fall asleep against my chest while I read to her. I like various types of music and movies. I never drink alcohol, I don’t do recreational drugs at all, and I don’t smoke. I’m a lover that fights for what I love. In a lot of ways, I’m a Gentleman.
But as great as all that is, as important as all that can be, and even though there’ve been a few women to tell me I’m exactly what they want in a man, the truth is that I’m not half of what they want and/or what they need.
I have trouble dealing with some types of confrontation. It’s hard for me to talk about my own needs. It’s hard for me to set boundaries for myself when they might push her back a bit, even if only temporary. I have trouble dealing with certain kinds of stress. When I get very, very stressed out, I need to escape, usually into video games; I welcome her joining me in those games, but the more stressed I get, the more I need that escape. I need organization and I need help maintaining it. I’m an absent-minded professor. I have a terrible temper. I care too much. I have trouble dealing with debts and bills. And, possibly most important, I have trouble holding a job and maintaining an income. When I’m alone or very stressed out, I become lethargic, depressed, and can’t be bothered to clean my home or myself without being nudged and pestered.
What kind of boyfriend can I be if I can’t even take care of myself? Right now I don’t think I’d be a boyfriend, I’m more like a leech. A good boyfriend is strong enough to support himself financially and is capable of taking care of himself, whether he’s alone or living with his significant other. A good boyfriend is able to work and live with his girlfriend day to day as an equal, and is able to take care of her when she needs it. Right now, I’m broke, unemployed, job prospects are slim, getting into school will be complex and isn’t guaranteed, I’m stressed out, and a mess.
For all the good things I may offer, the few key things I can’t do even remotely well enough at the moment more than outweigh those positives.