Late night thoughts while homeless and giving up hope

I’ve been homeless for going on a month now. It wasn’t because I haven’t had any money to rent a new place; it’s because there are no places that my mom and I can get together. She’s physically disabled and rewuires a walker to get around, and even uses a cane or crutches just to move around the house. Plus she has a cat she’s been with for about 13 years now. We’ve been looking since 6 weeks before we had to move out of that God-forsaken hellhole of an apartment, and everything we’ve tried to get has fallen through.

So for the time being, I’m dependent on the kindness of others just for survival. I’ve been crashing on my buddy Brian’s hide-a-bed, but I worry that my extended stay could get him in trouble with the landlord. I search every day for a new place to rent, as well as for a job I can handle long-term, but so far both those searches seem to be useless… I’m getting more and more stressed about just day to day survival; the more stressed I get, the less I can sleep, and the more I find myself running to Netflix and video games. And when I look up from the screen and realize how long I’ve been playing, I feel even shittier about myself and I haven’t been able to figure out why…

That is, until I realized something tonight. My OCD causes me issues when I have to deal with chaotic inconsistencies or if things are disorganized and out of control. Which is exactly what my whole life is right now… Homeless and couch-surfing, unemployed and unable to find a job that I can handle long-term and that will also actually hire me, I have no control whatsoever.

This is why I’m drawn to playing video games so much; it’s an organized and controlled envoronment, and I have more control of things inside a video game than I do in real life. And with my OCD being the way it is and as severe as it is, I NEED to be able to have control of my environment.

It’s same as the reasons why I could do very well in management, but not as a bottom-rung underling; I need to have a work environment that’s well organized in the right ways for me, and I need the authority to control that environment or adjust it my way when needed. At the bottom rung, I have no power or authority to even organize my environment, let alone make sure it’s kept that way. And the jobs that are willing to hire me are the kind that are so shitty that any co-workers I have don’t give a flying fuck about keeping anything organized for themselves, let alone for me.

So my life is a hugely disorganized mess; I’m severely OCD and triggered by disorganization, inconsistency, and powerlessness; which means just living each day the way my life is right now is making me unable to function and there’s nothing I can do about any of this… 😕


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